oh man today i had a mini meltdown over a parking ticket. not just the parking ticket, but a bunch of other money stuff that's been going on lately. first of all, not having any. being a cycle of poverty for all of my life, except for one year, (but even then still thinking i was in a scarcity situation) - that shit kinda hit the fan for me today.
i've worked on my money issues. each time i think i've made some dramatic discovery about their existence, i soon fall back into the cycle, somehow disabled from putting my new discoveries into sustainable practice…it's fear, i know...and slowly, i realize that the money issue in my life could very well be a thousand layers deep…and i'm just peeling them away one by one. man i really hope that's not the case, i'm ready to learn the lessons and get over this broke ass money hurdle i keep 'trying' to jump but for some reason never quite make it.
we had a little mini adventure downtown, which i recommend for anyone who is saving some dough for something awesome but needs to get a little fun in, too. using the paypal mobile app, we have been able on 2 occasions now, to redeem coupons at cool places for food, coffee, cupcakes, gifts, even gourmet balsamic vinegar. it's awesome.
but today was different. it was frustrating from the start. we set off on our quest for free stuff, and encountered several problems. we did get the most awesome free range organic blackened chicken salad i've ever had, for free. and a couple of decaf soy lattes, for free. pineapple balsamic vinegar, free. cool right? well, after walking all over downtown for the free stuff, we get back to the car to discover we've gotten a parking ticket for being 20 minutes too late. it cost just about what we would have paid for our adventure.
it literally brought me to tears.
here's why. i felt like we were trying so hard not to use money, and we found a cool way to have some fun without spending any, but it backfired with the ticket. i'm sure the fact that the whole day had a tinge of frustration didn't make it any better. but once i dried the tears from my face and held the others back (it was really difficult but i couldn't really explain why i was crying, so i had to stop), i sat there in the car, thinking about what has been going on in my life.
then a lightbulb went on that i kinda wanted to turn off because it meant i would have to change something (something else! holy shit i've been going through this growth spurt and changing all sorts of things for years! can i get a break?!!) but you really can't deny things like this. my mindset has been to search for free or low-cost without sacrificing quality - but what i should be thinking if i really want to turn my life around is 'i want to be able to comfortably afford the things i want to do."
i've been very lucky in life. people have been generous to me, people have helped me with my business, they've flown me across the country, they've given me money so i could have 6 weeks off to enjoy myself - all because they believe in me. sometimes i'm not quite sure i deserve it, but i have to remind myself that if i didn't have something positive to offer the world, i wouldn't be so cared for. once i even found a grand on the sidewalk. that was nuts…talk about a universal handout!
now though, i'm a grown ass woman and it's time for me to start earning my keep - and the only way i'm going to do that is if i start motivating and focusing not on how i can get things the cheapest or for free, but rather on what i can do to bring a good cash flow into my life so that i can support the crafters, cooks, and coops that i believe are making a positive mark on the world. i am no longer meant to survive by the graces of people who love me, but of my own accord. i don't need a lot, but it's time to be self sufficient in every possible way.
so there you have it, and so do i. if i want to be able to support a local business who makes the best salad in town and has good ethics too, it's time for me to put my big girl pants on and use the gifts i've been given to make money and do good deeds with it.
end of story!
end note: i am not by any means suggesting that there is something wrong with frugality. in fact i think it is a tremendously beneficial quality. however, i am suggesting that intention has a lot to do with what we get. if we focus always on having less, we will continue to have less. if we focus on being abundant, we will have abundance.
